Tales of the Shoopuf
by Raine-Weather
Summary: It's time for Luke's seventh birthday! But... it is ALSO time for Asch's seventeenth birthday! OH NOES!
1. Planning for Luke's Seventh Birthday!

Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of the Abyss, or Tales of zee Abisu. However… I do own ASCH! HE'S A SECRET MEMBER OF THE REVIEW CREW! MWHAHAHA!

Tales of the Shoopuf!

Chapter 1

Luke's Seventh Birthday Planning!

It was almost time for Luke's seventh birthday! Yes, I realize that he has the PHYSICAL age of a 17 year old, but he is actually SEVEN! And if you are still confused as to how a 17 year old could actually be seven, then I suspect you haven't ACTUALLY played Tales of the Abyss at all! POSER! Go play Tales of Symphonia with your Lloyd with two L's and your Da-Kratos. Do not read another WORD of this fanfic.

Anyway, it was almost time. In fact, it was only a WEEK away! Luke had to hurry and send out invitations and decide on the theme and make party bags and all of that other stuff. But he couldn't do all of that on his OWN. That's expecting way too much from a seven year old, especially LUKE. I wouldn't expect Luke to plan how to connect the dots.

So he had MIEU to help him! ALRIGHT! Except… Mieu had exploded.

This brings us to a very popular theory known as Hayley's Theory of Explosion. If you don't know it by now, then I'm sorry to say that your education of the world must have been sub-par at the most. Still, I will inform you just the same.

I think now is the time to introduce the very popular theory called, Hayley's Theory of Explosion. See, if someone, ANYONE just isn't important and isn't going to appear more than once, they simply explode. Just like that. You know those buses that you take just ONCE in your life, and you know that bus driver? He will just simply drive off and explode when the time comes.

Mieu exploding because he's not important also had the added bonus of KILLING him because he's a little tard. Hurrah!

"But I NEEDED Mieu to help me plan my birthday party…" said Luke, sitting all alone in the manor on his bed. He didn't even know where to START with the planning! And he couldn't ask Guy for help because Guy lives in Grand Chokmah! And he couldn't ask Natalia because I wouldn't ask her for a NICKEL!

"But if I call my friends, I'll just be BURDENING them. Why should I even HAVE a birthday party?" Luke asked himself in a fit of annoying angst. "I was never meant to be born. I was never MEANT to have a birthday party. Maybe I should just forget the WHOLE thing. I wish Master Van were here. Master Van would know how to plan the PERFECT birthday party. Yeah… Master Van would… Master Van said…!"

At that moment, who should walk into Luke's room, but… TOHRU! Not. She was preoccupied with helping a bunch of other people. So the next best person for inspiring came… RANDOM TALKING SCORPION!

YAAAAAY! I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME RANDOM TALKING SCORPION!

"GET OVER HERE!" yelled Random Talking Scorpion, and then right from the door he shot out his flying needle thing and PIERCED Luke right through the chest. Just kidding. He shot out his flying needle thing but it wasn't a needle, it was sticky tac. Regardless, he pulled Luke over to him.

Poor Luke had no idea what was going on, because he didn't know about Random Talking Scorpion. He just thought he was some crazy guy in yellow ninja gear.

"Who the hell are YOU?" he asked.

"STOP BITCHING!" Random Talking Scorpion yelled and slapped Luke. "GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF! ANGST DOESN'T HELP ANYONE! LEAST OF ALL YOU!" He slapped Luke six more times and then he walked out and left the door open.

"He's right…" said Luke in that dorky Luke way, "All I ever do is whine and wish Master Van would plan all my birthday parties for me. I'm HOPELESS. Well, from now on, I'm going to change!"

"IMPOSHIBBIBLE!" cried Shoopuf Dude.

"No, I'm going to CHANGE!" Luke declared. "And this will be PROOF." And then he picked up a pair of scissors and cut off one of his little long hair thingys that's yellow at the end, JUST LIKE THAT. So now it was uneven and didn't make any sense! AWK! But it represented his desire for CHANGE, so it was okay.

"I WILL make this birthday party happen!" said Luke. "But… I can't do this all on my own… I'M NO SUPERMAN!" He walked out of his little room and in the background it repeated, 'I'm no superman!'

Luke looked to his right for someone to help but all he saw were the craters left by all the exploded random NPCs that are the worst NPCs in any game I have ever played so of course they all exploded. Then he looked to his left and he saw… PERE!

"Hi Pere!" said Luke.

"Hello Master Luke," said Pere. "I was just tending this garden. I hope you like these flowers!"

"I sure do! They're Bee-YOO-tiful!" said Luke, because now he's a short-haired, lop-haired idiot who isn't fun anymore.

"I'm so GLAD!" said Pere.

"MASTER LUKE!" Suddenly that guy whose name I can't remember, YOU know, the one who wants you to find all the books, came running up as if Luke were about to jump into speeding traffic or something. "Do not TALK to the likes of him!"

"Why not?" Luke asked. "We were just talking about flowers."

"Flowers are unbefitting talk for a noble of your status!" said that guy who we will call Alastair, since there's a guy like him in Final Fantasy 9 named Alastair. Except Alastair is actually, you know, cool. Unlike this guy.

"Since WHEN?" Luke wondered.

"SINCE EVER! FLOWERS ARE THE MOST BASE, DISGUSTING TOPIC OF LEWD CONVERSATION EVER!" screamed Alastair, and his face turned bright red and he started panting in and out as if he were about to have a heart attack.

"Wait a minute…" said Luke. "Do you HATE flowers or something? Is that why you don't want me talking to Pere?"

"Don't be ridiculous! I don't hate flowers," said Alastair and then he sort of edged to the side and stomped down on one of Pere's flower patches. "Oops," he said.

"You did that on purpose!" gasped Luke. Pere wanted to gasp too but he's just an inferior refugee from HOD, so he doesn't get to!

"FINE! I DID! AND I'D DO IT AGAIN!" Alastair yelled and started jumping up and down all over the garden. When it had been stomped into a flowery pulp, he ran off laughing and then he exploded.

"Oh no!" Pere said sadly. "My garden is ruined! I don't have a purpose anymore!"

"Yes you do!" said Luke. "Pere, you can help me plan a birthday party!"

"A BIRTHDAY PARTY?" Pere exclaimed like the simple gardener he was. "This was not spoken of in the SCORE!"

"Well, get over it," said Luke. "I need help planning my seventh birthday party and you're just the man for the job! In fact, you're the ONLY man for the job!" he added, chuckling like Kureno.

"Alright, Master Luke, for YOUR sake I will," said Pere.

"No… for the sake of all of Auldrant," Luke said gravely and Pere agreed. Even though I don't think Luke's seventh birthday party could possibly be for the sake of all of Auldrant, or even for the sake of all of Kimlasca. It's actually just for Luke's sake.

Oh well.

HOOONK! (transition purposes)

So, Luke took Pere to party-planning headquarters! His ROOM!

"I guess the FIRST thing I'll have to do is INVITE people…" Luke said out loud as if he weren't sure that was ACTUALLY what you did. "Pere, get out a sheet of paper and I'll make a list!"

"How many people will you invite, Master Luke?"

"I dunno. How many people do you usually invite?" In the past, Guy had done all this party stuff FOR Luke, but then again, Luke didn't HAVE any friends back then, so this was still all new for him.

"Oh, I'd say about twenty-five. Just speaking from personal experience," said Pere, because at his birthday parties in Hod, he'd always had a TON of friends, being an insanely popular Pere and all.

"TWENTY-FIVE?! Okay," said Luke, since that meant twenty-five presents! Yippee! So he started his list! Of course, I won't talk about him MAKING the list. I'll just show you the list! IT SAVES TIME!

Asch – Asch was first on Luke's list! Luke wanted Asch to be first because he wanted Asch to know that Luke is always thinking of him and Luke only wants him to be happy and wouldn't it be nice if Luke and Asch could reconcile their differences and all sorts of other nice things like that? It SURE WOULD!

Tear – Tear was second on Luke's list because she was always watching him except for times when she wasn't. Like right now, for instance.

Guy – DUUUH. I mean, come on. Everyone invites Guy to their birthday parties. I invite Guy to MY birthday parties.

Master Van – Even though Van screwed Luke over in the worst way ever, he STILL wanted him to come to his birthday party! BECAUSE MASTER VAN SAID… YEAH, MASTER VAN SAID… MASTER VAN SAID TO DO IT!

Natalia – He invited her just in case anyone got afflicted with a status effect! But no one ever will, so I suspect he just invited her so she wouldn't bother him about it later!

Anise – Because every party needs a loli!

Arietta – Because every party needs ANOTHER loli!

Largo – ("Why not invite ALL of the God Generals?" Luke decided in what is quite possibly the worst idea ever. However, he was running out of people he knew! So then he just started to list them! Most of them were dead. OH WELL!)

Legretta – She could provide… GUNS!

Dist – And he could provide… AWESOMENESS!

Sync – And of course, who else could provide… AKASHIC TORMENTZORS?!1

ASLAN FRINGS! DA-HUCK!

Brigadier General Cecille

General McGovern

Emperor Peony

Pedro

Noel

Shoopuf Dude

Unicorn

Balthier

Pere

Mieu

Peppy Hare

Professor Nebilim

"I can't THINK of anyone else!" said Luke, glaring down at his list. "At this rate, I'm going to have to invite someone from DAATH!"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

"What about the Colonel?" Pere asked.

"Uh…" said Luke uneasily. "I don't know… the idea of getting a present from Jade kind of makes me uncomfortable."

"But Jade is your FRIEND!" Pere reasoned. But is that true? Does Jade Curtiss Balfour the Necromancer REALLY have any friends? I mean, maybe it wasn't pointed out enough times to you throughout the game, but NO ONE knows what the man is thinking! Maybe he really isn't thinking at all! In any case, I doubt that he's thinking of his FRIENDS! If he even REGARDS them as that. I think he regards them more as playthings.

Hey, but in a way, Jade is like Luke's father! He should be there, making the party plans and buying all the decorations and making sure all the party bags have an equal amount of candy in them! What an irresponsible dad! The NERVE!

"Whatever, I'll invite him," said Luke. "But he BETTER not make fun of anyone!"

"HA, LIKE THAT'LL EVER HAPPEN!" the whole world laughed.

"Okay, now I have my list," said Luke, and wiped the sweat off his brow that had formed. "This is HARD. Now what?"

"You'll have to send out the invitations! But first you'll have to decide upon the theme of the party, so you can know what kind of invitations to buy," said Pere.

"Wait, wait, wait… THEME?" Luke said in a bewildered voice. He had never heard of this… THEME!

"You know, like a cowboy theme or an astronaut theme or a Lion King theme," said Pere, and then sighed when Luke gave him a look that clearly said, 'HUH?' "The theme is what the decorations of the party center around! For example, if you had a clown party, all the invitations would have clowns on them, and the cake would be a clown cake, and you'd have a clown come to the party."

"OH," said Luke. "I get it!" Then he frowned. "I guess I just never bothered to LEARN about Birthday party themes… man, there's so much I don't know. I'm HOPELESS."

Pere didn't say anything, because he couldn't very well AGREE that his master was hopeless. Instead, he asked, "What kind of theme do you want for your party, Master Luke?"

Luke thought and he thought and he thought! NOT! He knew right away what kind of party he wanted!

"A Master VAN themed party!" Luke chuckled like Kureno. "That would be the perfect kind!"

"Um… I don't know if they sell Master Van themed birthday supplies at Party City," said Pere. "What kind of theme do you want as backup, just in case?"

Luke shook his head. He just couldn't imagine a party NOT themed after Master Van! It was incomprehensible! I mean, think about it. Most kids grow up with Pokemon or Star Wars. Luke didn't have any of that. Luke grew up with Master Van. Master Van is his childhood obsession and it's not like he's an adult yet.

"NO!" he shouted in a random fit of long-haired Lukeness, "WE HAVE TO HAVE A MASTER VAN THEMED PARTY! IT'S THE ONLY KIND I WANT! I'M THE AMBASSADOR, DAMMIT!"

"Very well, sir," Pere sighed. _This is not going to be good for my arthritis, _he thought to himself and there was warm chuckling from a sudden laugh track.

And so Luke and Pere made their way to Party City. WHERE is Party City in Baticul you ask? Why, it's right above your NOSE, silly! (chuckles like Kureno) All you have to do is put a PS1 memory card with a FF7 save in the second slot, then go to one of the SEPHIROTH! There, you will actually meet Sephiroth and fight him! It's EPIC! After that, Sephiroth will give you all 24 of the 1/24 soldiers, and you take them to Baticul and they make a bridge that leads to Party City! Hooray!

As they made their way to Party City, people kept giving Luke STRANGE looks, because his hair looked amazingly… stupid. However, Luke thought they were just admiring his resolve to CHANGE, so he smiled and waved foolishly.

"Luke Fon Fabre getting a retarded haircut was not predicted in the SCORE!" some random person gasped and everyone else gasped and they all exploded.

"Here we are," said Pere when they reached Party City. He opened the door and that silly synth choir quit their wailing and Party City music began to play! I don't know exactly what kind of music that is, but it's certainly partylicious!

"WELCOME TO PARTY CITY!" screamed an employee we'll call Party City Tony from the cash register. He LOVED working at Party City! He did a backflip over the register and then raised his hand up for a high-five! "I'M SO GLAD YOU MADE IT HERE!"

"Why?" Luke asked. "I'm just a REPLICA."

"…WHAT KIND OF AWESOME PARTY ARE YOU GUYS GONNA HAVE?!" Party City Tony enthused, ignoring Luke.

"Master Luke's seventh birthday," said Pere.

"ALRIGHT!" yelled Party City Tony. "SEVENTH BIRTHDAYS ARE THE BEST!" But how do we know he doesn't say that about ALL birthday parties? How do we know he's really being sincere? We don't. We just don't. "WHAT KIND OF BIRTHDAY IS IT GONNA BE?!"

Pere was about to quickly say something like penguins in the hopes that Luke's request would be ignored, but he was too old and voiced NPC-ish to get the job done.

"A Master VAN party!" Luke exclaimed.

"Master Luke…" said Pere, getting ready to put up with a whiny tirade, but all Party City Tony did was yell, "ALRIGHT!" again and cartwheel off, leaving poor Pere to just stare.

"Did he actually act like you just made a reasonable request?" he murmured aloud.

"It IS a reasonable request," said Luke.

Pere was just about to gently explain that it was NOT, when Party City Tony came catapulting back carrying a ton of Master Van themed birthday decorations. There were cards with Van-related puns, and balloons shaped like Van's pineapple-shaped head, and a pineapple-flavored cake shaped like Van's head, and a Van pinata, and of course, a pin the goatee on the Van.

"WE ALSO HAVE A MASTER VAN IMPERSONATOR! WOULD YOU LIKE FOR ME TO GIVE HIM A CALL?!" Party City Tony asked.

"No, THAT'S okay," Luke chuckled like Kureno. "I'm going to have the REAL thing!"

"Wait… you seriously carry Master Van themed birthday supplies?!" Pere exclaimed, unable to hold in his astonishment.

"OF COURSE!"

"Van Grants, from the destroyed island of Hod?"

"THE VERY SAME!"

"…do you carry PERE-themed birthday supplies?" Pere ventured.

"PSSH, YEAH RIGHT!" laughed Party City Tony. "WHO WANTS A PERE-THEMED PARTY WHEN YOU COULD HAVE AN AXEL OR A VAMP THEMED BIRTHDAY PARTY?!"

Who would INDEED? And so Pere meekly aquiesced to this knowledge with a bowed head and a heavy NPC-voiced heart. Meanwhile, Luke bought a ten thousand gald's worth amount of Van-related items from Party City Tony. He even bought a Master Van-shaped bouncy house! Now everyone could bounce around inside Master Van like his… organs… or… something…

Yeah…

ANYWAY! Luke bought a ton of crap. He didn't have to worry about the cost because he's RICH and Baticul pays for all of it, MWHAHAHA! He's not in ENGEVE anymore! Eat it, Ashley!

"ALRIGHT! I'LL DELIVER ALL THIS THE DAY BEFORE THE PARTY!" said Party City Tony after Luke had finished.

"Can I have the 25 invitations NOW?" Luke asked.

"DUR, OF COURSE!" said Party City Tony and forked them over. Then Luke and Pere left and Party City Tony screamed, "HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!" And then he exploded and Party City was taken over by That Buddy Barn Guy, looking to appear in every Shoopuf story I ever write in my life, and was renamed Buddy Barn Party City. But don't worry. Luke will still get all his Master Van birthday stuff. That Buddy Barn Guy may take advantage of the exploding, but he does NOT take advantage of those associated with them.

"NOW what do I do, Pere?" Luke asked, clutching the twenty-five Master Van-themed birthday cards.

"You address each of the cards and then you SEND them, Master Luke," said Pere, trying hard to hide his disdain at the question. I mean, come on. That just sort of takes logic.

"I didn't know. I'm hopeless," said Luke in the same way he always does, and then he immediately brightened up. "Okay! But first let's get something to eat. I'm starving!"

"You've already spent so much gald today, Master Luke… why don't you cook a meal for yourself?"

"The only thing I have three stars in is a sandwich and I'm not in a very sandwichy mood," Luke chuckled like Kureno. I wonder what the three stars sandwich looks like? I mean, it has to be a pretty gosh darn impressive sandwich to garner THREE stars. And as a side note, am I the only one who finds it disgusting that Anise puts strawberries in her sandwiches?

So Pere and Luke went to the ONLY place in Baticul for fine eatin's… DON Pablablahs! Yes, since I, Hayley, now live out in the middle of nowhere country instead of the bustling urban city, you must put up with what I put up with.

"I've never eaten at Don Pablablahs before!" exclaimed Luke excitedly, then he sighed, "I'm HOPELESS."

"Hrm," said Pere, whose patience was starting to be worn thin by Luke's self-derision. But he loved him some Don Pablablahs, so he didn't complain. Of course, THIS Don Pablablahs would never match the SUPERIOR one found on the isle of Hod.

Luke and Pere walked into Don Pablablahs. There was a little Mexican man statue in a sombreo that held a Mexican flag! No, I don't know HOW Mexican food got popular in KIMLASCA. I assume it was all Panchos fault.

"GASP!" gasped some random front clerk lady. "MASTER FABRE! Your coming was not foretold by the SCORE!"

"GASP!" gasped a bunch of nearby people.

"No," Luke agreed, "because I'm a replica and NOTHING I do is foretold by the Score."

"Okay!" said the random clerk lady, not understanding a single word he said since it is incomprehensible not to follow… THE SCORE. "Well, table for how many?"

"Two," said Luke.

"GASP!" the lady gasped again. "Sir Fabre taking a table for TWO was not foretold by the SCORE!"

"GASP!" all the people gasped again.

"Will you be paying in cash or credit card?" the lady asked.

"Cash."

"GASP!"

(THIRTY MILLION 'GASP'S LATER!)

"This food is fantastic!" said Luke, "I never bothered to APPRECIATE it before! I'm –"

"Hopeless," Pere muttered under his breath. He was starting to get just the tiniest bit SICK of Luke Fon Fabre.

"I'm going to order another sophapia," said Luke, and, even though they don't HAVE these at Don Pablablahs, he raised up a little flag. A waiter we'll call Waiter Kelsey came running up.

"OH EM GEE! Luke Fon Fabre putting up his flag was not foretold in the SCORE!" shouted Waiter Kelsey.

"OH EM GEE!" shouted all the other people eating.

"YES. I already EXPLAINED to you that I'm not a part of the Score," Luke said, trying very hard to keep his waning patience.

"Oh yeah, that's right. What would you like, sir?" asked Waiter Kelsey.

"I'd like another sophapia PLEASE!" Luke exclaimed just like Cartman.

Waiter Kelsey clasped his hands to his head and made the scream face. "OH EM GEE! Luke Fon Fabre is ordering ANOTHER sophapia! This was not foretold in the –"

"THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU IDIOTS! DEVIL'S INFERNO!" Luke screamed and blew up the table, Pere, and Waiter Kelsey in a circle of FLAME! Then he gathered up his Master Van themed cards and walked out of the restaurant, WITHOUT paying! GASP! But that was okay, because everyone at Don Pablablahs exploded. Including Pere, because, well, I'm afraid Pere is just not a very strong voiced NPC character, no matter WHAT medium he appears in.

"Oh no! Now Pere's gone!" said Luke. "Now I'm all alone! I never should have blown him up with Devil's Inferno. But… Master Van said… yeah, Master VAN said…!"

"How many times are you going to USE that excuse?!" a random voice shouted.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe a couple more weeks – wait, who are you?" asked Luke, whirling around in circles in order to find the SOURCE of this mysterious voice.

"The one who's going to make your BIRTHday something WORTHthetimeofday," said the voice, and then a shadow leapt down from a nearby building and revealed itself to be a mysterious figure! This is what the mysterious figure looked like:

Amarant wearing sunglasses!

"WHOA! You're TALL!" said Luke, since the mysterious figure WAS about seven feet tall.

"Some have said that of me," said the mysterious figure.

"Why are you HERE?" asked Luke, even though the mysterious figure had basically just told him that.

"I'm going to make your seventh birthday party the best damn birthday party the galaxy's ever seen," said the mysterious figure. "And I'll kill anyone who gets in my way. That includes YOU. So watch it."

Now, why in the WORLD would anyone be so determined to make Luke's seventh birthday party the best one in the galaxy that they would go to the point of KILLING that replicated fool? Well, I hope you're not too curious, because Luke sure wasn't.

"Alright! But what should we call you?" Luke asked, even though there was only him.

"…some call me the Flaming Amarant," said the mysterious figure.

"Okay! Well, I'll call you Steve!" Luke chuckled like Kureno.

Steve stared down at Luke from his sunglasses. "…uh…" he said after an awkward pause, "but SOME call me the Flaming Amarant."

"What should I do NEXT to make this the best damn birthday ever, Steve?" Luke asked as if Steve hadn't said anything.

Steve sighed. "Whatever. Well, sending out those invitations would probably be the best option."

"How do I do THAT?" Luke asked.

"What do you mean? It's simple!" Steve snapped. "You just write down the name of the person, the RSVP information, then send it out to their address. How could you not know that?"

"You're right, Steve. I'm hopeless!" said Luke.

"No, it sounds like you're just stupid," said Steve.

So, Luke and Steve went to the Buddy Barn Postal Service, since they were the only ones that didn't make a big deal about Luke doing things that weren't predicted in the SCORE! Once all that was done, Luke took Steve back to his mansion and they started to plan out the decorations and other stuff like that. However, I'm afraid this chapter has gone on for long enough, so you may not bear witness to it.

Will Luke's seventh birthday party be the best damn seventh birthday party ever? Will everyone receive their invitations? Even the DEAD? Could Jade possibly NOT make fun of Luke on his birthday? Could Jade possibly not make fun of Luke on ANY day, for that matter? Find out next time, on DIGIMON, DIGITAL MONSTERS!

OMAKE!!

Hi there! My name is Hayley Wallace. You may or may not know me. My money is on the latter. But if you DO know me, you probably do from my other fanfiction, such as Shoopuf Basket or Shooball! And what's more, you may HATE me for starting such other fanfics as Shoopuf Society and Melodies of Shoopuf and NEVER updating them!

Well, I have explanations for that, which I made up just this very second.

Shoopuf Society – YOU try making fun of a series that gets ten new characters every chapter, each one of them being impossibly AWESOME, and see how far YOU get! And if you DO get far, then feel free to feed me my feet!

Melodies of Shoopuf – I'm not quite ready for Cid to STOP suffering his life as a fruit bat!

So there you go. Explanations. And now, some things you should know!

There are three things I hate. In this order.

Shelinda

Teddiursa

Epona

DO NOT EVEN SPEAK OF THEM TO ME!! ARGH!

In this Omake section, you can ask QUESTIONS about anything, whether it be the story, the author, or the confusing plot of Chrono Cross! Your questions will be answered by the Review Crew! EVEN THOUGH WE DO NOT REVIEW ANYTHING, WE STILL DEMAND TO BE CALLED THE REVIEW CREW!

Hayley –  – Sarcastic, talking purple Wooper. Please ask questions of him at your own risk.

Bigfoot – Lovable lug.

Ask us questions! Receive answers and abuse! And if you don't feel like asking US questions, then BY GOD, WE WILL SMITE YOU DOWN! Just kidding. If not, then why don't you ask LUKE FON FABRE questions? He's going to be our first special guest next chapter!

So, until next time, (and this time, there shall BE a next time), everyone look forward to Persona 3 and college together!

JA!


	2. Planning for Asch's SevenTEENTH Birthday

Chapter 2

Asch's SevenTEENTH Birthday Planning!

Well, since Asch was FIRST on Luke's list of invitees, he shall be the FIRST to have a chapter! This makes sense, does it not?

Of course, I know what you're thinking. Where the hell does Asch LIVE? He doesn't live in Baticul, because stupid LUKE had to take his home and his parents and EVERYTHING away from him! And he doesn't live in Daath because he's not a fool. And I don't think he lives in Grand Chokmah, even though he is a bishounen. Geez, where could he live? Engeve? Ketelberg? Chesedonia? Namco Bandai Island? The Cheagle WOODS?

Ha-ha, look at me, acting like I DON'T know where Asch lives. I do. Because Asch lives with me. DUUUH. He's a member of the Wallace household! But good luck finding out where THAT is on the Tales of the Abyss world map. It's a secret!

Anyway, Asch got up that morning on the WRONG side of the bed, as always! He hit his head on the wall, and then he was so OFFENDED by that wall being there that he destroyed it with a RENDING SABRE!!!!!

"PATHETIC," Asch scoffed at the wall, then he stomped off to brush his teeth.

"Look at that! You call yourself PLAQUE! Don't make me laugh!" Asch threatened his teeth, and then he scrubbed them until they were so super-shiny that they were brighter than even TIDUS' smile! Unfortunately, Asch never smiles, so the world never knew. Then he gargled mouthwash for ten minutes straight and squirted it out his nose into the sink, because THAT'S how tough Asch is!

"What are we having for BREAKFAST?!" Asch yelled because he can't help getting progressively angrier and angrier as he moves about his day.

This was actually a rhetorical question, because at sixteen, Asch is more than old enough to fix his OWN breakfast. He had what he always had – a toasted bagel with cream cheese. While he ate it, he glared around the room as if he expected someone to DENY him that bagel.

Once he was done eating, Asch went to go check the mail. It was, of course, the USUAL dreck. Asch didn't have time for stupid Brookshires coupons, so he threw them over his shoulder, and he also didn't have time for college bills, so he OBLITERATED them with a THUNDER BLADE!

"PA-thetic," Asch told the mailbox, and was about to stalk back into the house, when a hand suddenly tapped him on the shoulder.

"What?" Asch snapped.

It was That Buddy Barn Guy! He had a big mail bag and a mailman hat. "Delivery for Luke Fon Fabre!" said That Buddy Barn Guy.

"Don't CALL me that!" said Asch. "That's not my name anymore! I'm Asch… the charred remains of the sacred flame!"

"Oh, AAAASCH!" said That Buddy Barn Guy. "Asch the BLURDY! Yeah, this letter's for you."

"It's PRONOUNCED Asch the Bloody," Asch said in a stuck-up voice and snatched the envelope. "What is this DRECK?!" he demanded before he even opened it, then he tore it apart and yanked out the invitation.

The invitation was like the kind that's a card with a picture of a bear, SHAPED like a bear, only this one was a picture of Van, shaped like Van, so it was pointy on top and kind of hurt your fingers if you pressed them against it too hard. Asch opened the card and this is what it said.

You're invited to a Van-TASTIC party!

And then it said, in VERY clumsy handwriting,

TO: ASCH

FROM: LUKE

Please come to my birthday. It is going to be at my manor. It will be a lot of fun.

Then the letter told Asch how to get to Luke's manor, which was INSULTING, since Luke was giving ASCH directions to what was originally ASCH'S beloved home! AWK!

But what was even MORE insulting was the DATE of Luke's birthday party. It was on the same date as ASCH'S birthday!

"That stupid DRECK! He's taking EVERYTHING from me!" Asch fumed. "Who the hell does he think he IS?!?!"

"Wow, your roaring is superb Asch the Blurdy!" said That Buddy Barn Guy.

"WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!" Asch yelled at him.

"I dunno," said That Buddy Barn Guy. "Toodles!" Then he whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guys go.

"I will not STAND for this!" said Asch, and he took the letter and stomped back into the house. "HAYLEY!" he screamed down the hall. "EXPLAIN THIS!"

"Asch, stop screaming and come into the room if you want to talk! GEESH!" I screamed back.

"Fine, I WILL!" Asch yelled and marched into my room where I was sitting on the bed writing this story on my laptop. "What the hell is the meaning of this?! Why is that dreck having a seventh birthday party?!"

"Um… because he's turning seven?" I said.

"THAT'S OBVIOUS, YOU IDIOT," said Asch, as though it were MY fault his question had an obvious answer. "What I mean is, how dare he throw a party on the day of MY birthday?!"

"What's the big deal?" I asked. "It's not like YOU were going to have a birthday party."

Asch paused. This was true. He never had birthday parties. But that wasn't the point! The point was Luke was HAVING one on his birthday!

"Yes I do!" Asch lied. "I was going to have one! And now he's trying to take it from me! But he'll see. I'll have my OWN party! And it'll be superior to that DRECK party! It'll be the opposite of dreck! It'll be…uh…"

"…polished?" I suggested, clicking on Wordweb.

"POLISHED!" said Asch. "Then that'll prove, once and for all, that I'm the real Luke! I'm superior! And that he's just a stupid replica!"

"Okay," I said, since I couldn't very well seriously listen to him and write what he was doing at the SAME time.

Asch walked out of my room and into his own, where he started to make PLANS for taking back his birthday from Luke.

"He's just going to have a birthday party themed after his PRECIOUS Master Van," Asch muttered. "Well, I'm going to have a theme thirty million times better. Like, uh… um…"

LIKE WHAT, Asch? Don't tell me you don't know of any good birthday themes!

"I DO!" Asch protested. "I'll have MY Birthday party themed after uh… something cool like… er…"

Manta Rays!

"Manta Rays!" said Asch. "I'll have a manta ray themed party at Six Flags! That'll run circles around that dreck's stupid party." And with this decision made, Asch took his next step!

"I'm going to Wal-mart!" Asch called. "And I don't know when I'll be back, so DON'T ask!"

"What are you going to do at Wal-mart?" I called back.

"I'm going to buy stuff for MY birthday party, and a present for that stupid dreck!"

"WAIT A MINUTE." I stood up and walked into the hallway, crossing my arms. "If you're going to STEAL your birthday back from Luke, then why the hell are you going to buy him a present?"

"…because he invited me to his birthday party," said Asch.

"…that makes zero sense," I said.

"Of course it wouldn't make sense to YOU!" Asch yelled and ran out the door. I shrugged and said, "OH WELL!" and continued writing this crazy fanfic.

The REAL reason Asch was still buying Luke a present is that he's secretly a big softie, and he would feel BAD ignoring Luke's birthday, even though it was the source of all this rage in the first place! ARGH! So Asch came up with THIS plan to both save his honor and his image!

He would GO to Luke's birthday party and give him a present, because it's the NICE thing to do! But he would act like he was having the WORST time ever because it was the way of REVENGE!

He would invite everyone at Luke's birthday party to go to his Manta Ray themed birthday party at Six Flags and STEAL Luke's thunder because it was the way of REVENGE! But he would also invite Luke, because Luke had invited him, so it was the NICE thing to do!

There was no step three! I just put a three because Asch's plan would look incomplete with only two steps.

So, Asch went to Walmart! It was a land of excitement and WONDER and it was the only place with ANYTHING for miles around in that retarded corner of East Texas!

"Hello!" said some random Walmart employee. Asch muttered something and passed by her. But she DIDN'T explode! Walmart is gone to SO often out in the country that people don't explode there! It's a scientific phenomenon! I've never seen anything like it!

Unlike Luke, Asch knew exactly what he needed to do to arrange the best birthday party ever! But he did NOT know where the birthday section was.

'Well, that problem has an easy solution,' I hear you say, 'ask one of the Wal-mart employees! They know where that is; they're EMPLOYED!' Well, maybe that's easy for YOU people, but you aren't the charred remains of the sacred flame! Asch is super shy and self-concious!

_I'll just search around until I find it, _thought Asch. _And I can find a present for that stupid dreck while I look._ _What kind of present should I get for him anyway?_

"Ha, the most fitting present FOR dreck IS dreck!" Asch snickered aloud like a fool.

"Dreck!" exclaimed a passing nerd with a dictionary. "That's a word I've never HEARD before! I must look it up so I can memorize its definition and etymology!" And he started flipping through the pages. Unfortunately, Asch moved on, so he exploded before he could find it.

Asch was too lazy to actually look for dreck, so he just went into the very first section of Walmart he happened across, which was a big display of marked down Shrek 3 memorbilia.

Asch picked up a Donkey stuffed animal. And even though he still wore his permafrown, inside his heart was warm, because Asch LOVES Shrek and he especially loves Donkey.

_Heh, heh. 'Cakes have layers,' _Asch thought, then he remembered he was looking for Luke's present, and he wouldn't have Luke take SHREK from him too! So he put Donkey back and moved on.

Next, Asch came to the crappy DVD pool. You've never seen a crappy DVD pool? Well, it's where wal-mart throws all crappy DVDs, like The Butterfly Effect and Kate and Leopold and Cruel Intentions TWO, into a big pool! Then you can buy either ONE DVD for three dollars, or THREE DVDs for TEN dollars! But no matter HOW many you buy, it still won't diminish the fact that they're ALL crap! Alright!

Unfortunately, Wal-mart doesn't advertise the crappy DVD pool AS the crappy DVD pool. They call it the movie bargain bin. And if anyone is going to fall victim to false advertising today, it's Asch.

"DVD… I think I remember hearing about those," said Asch. "They're shaped like fonic discs…"

"That's right! They are shaped like CDs!" said some random wal-mart employee who spawned out of the shadows like a Heartless. "But they're NOT! They're DVDS!"

"Who are you?" Asch asked gruffly.

"I'm DVD Enlightener Hal," said DVD Enlightener Hal. "I inform the elderly and people who have been living under a rock about the magical world of DVDs!"

"Magic? You mean Fonic Artes? Pah! That DRECK is so inferior that he can't use them, unlike me," scoffed Asch, and he started to walk away, since he certainly wasn't about to buy Luke something like that.

"No, no, no!" said DVD Enlightener Hal, then he chuckled like Kureno. "MAYBE I better start from square one with you." And so he did. He told Asch all he knew about DVDs, and since DVDs are his sole purpose in life, that was a lot. By the end of it, Asch had heard so much about DVDs that he basically understood them! (Come on, this is Asch. We can't expect TOO much from him.)

"So, I buy the dreck a DVD and then he can watch what's on it… fine. Let's do it," Asch declared and started digging through the crappy DVD pool with enthusiasm.

Instead of saying 'Um. No. Those are the crappy movies, that's why they're so cheap and in a pool. You need to go over THERE.', DVD Enlightener Hal nodded.

"That's the spirit!" he said. ALL DVDs are precious to DVD Enlightener Hal. Even Romeo Must Die! "Go forth, enlightened one!" And then he turned into fifty green bouncy balls of energy! YAY!

Asch didn't really CARE what DVDs he got Luke, so he just pulled out the first three he got his hands on. They were Cradle 2 the Grave, AnacondaS, and the Princess Diaries 2!

Of course, Asch hadn't gotten a basket like a smart person, so he had to tuck the DVDs under his armpit. Eeeww. Asch armpit. Gross.

_Now I just have to find Manta Ray birthday party supplies. _Asch wandered around the endless hallways of wal-mart, searching, but he couldn't find anything because he thought everything but clothes was kept in big bins like the DVDs. That's Asch logic for you.

Finally, he got so frusturated that he took his anger out on the resident poor abused DS in the video game section. This poor DS was at the very end of his rope. His top screen was so scratched up that Asch couldn't even see what he was playing and his touch-pad was covered in ketchup. The shoulder buttons were stuck down and no longer worked. And the stylus… ah, the poor stylus… had been swallowed by a particularly devilish five year old a long, long time ago.

"Stupid Wal-mart DRECK!" Asch yelled, randomly stabbing the A button with his finger. "I can't find anything!"

"Please…" the DS begged, "end my life…!"

At that moment, a group of random furling youths came running up holding Popsicles and making light-sabre sounds. They saw that Asch was 'playing' the DS and started screaming, "AW MAN, NOW WE HAVE TO WAIT!"

"Listen! They're coming! My tormentors!" gasped the DS. "Hurry! Put me out of my misery! Hurry!"

"Hey mister!" one of the brats called. "WE wanna play!"

"Yeah, we wanna play!" his little friends piped up.

"COME ON, MAN!" the DS shrieked.

"Fine," Asch said. Then he used RENDING SABRE!! On the DS and finally brought an end to a life filled with nothing but endless pain.

"I can see it…" the DS murmured as it smoldered in a little metallic heap. "Yes, I can see it… it's beautiful… you don't understand now, do you… no. But… yes… someday, my young friend. Someday…"

Then a janitor came and swept the remains into a dustpan and walked away. A NEW DS was brought to replace the old one.

"Oh boy!" said the new DS. "I'm so brand new and shiny and full of HOPE! I can't wait to meet all the people that will enjoy my capabilities and treat me with the respect a one hundred dollar console deserves!"

"LET'S SEE IF WE CAN ENGRAVE OUR NAMES INTO THE SCREEN!" shouted one of the little kids and him and his friends pounced onto the new DS.

Asch walked away, shaking his head as he listened to the screams. "When will the madness stop?"

I don't know Asch… I don't know.

…

"This is DUMB," said Asch. "I'm never going to find those STUPID birthday supplies! I'm just going to make my flunkies do it for me."

WELL! Must be nice, having FLUNKIES to do everything for you, Asch!

"Yep," said Asch with a smug smile. "It is."

…well… uh… THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!

So Asch called up the DARK Wings to do his bidding! Sure, they were a little confused as to why their leader wanted twenty-six tickets to Six Flags and a plethora of manta ray related items, but they did NOT question him, because questions, just like hugs, are not good for Asch's rage.

"Well," said Asch, "that takes care of THAT!" He was back at home, planning out how he would write his invitations. Oh, and just so you know… his invitation list is exactly the same as Luke's, except instead of Asch being the first person invited, it was Luke. Because Asch wouldn't invite himself to his own birthday party. Because that would just be stupid.

"Man," said Asch, looking over the list, "I HATE all these people! They're all losers! Except for Natalia… she's OKAY. I GUESS." And he made a mental note to have Natalia's party bag given TWO pieces of candy.

"Oh, Asch darling!" trilled Noir, appearing out of nowhere like she always does, and just because I like it, the Dark Wings crazy theme began to play. "We got what you wanted…"

"Hey Boss!" said Urushi from underneath a mountain of Mantine balloons, cards, and other crap.

"Twenty six passes to Six Flags, just what the Doctor ordered," said York, running his finger down the top of all the tickets in his hand.

"Oh, okay," said Asch, the he glowered. "Hey… that's that stupid Pokemon MANTINE! I didn't want a Mantine party, I wanted a MANTA ray party!"

"I know, I know," Noir purred, and stroked the side of Asch's face in what WOULD have been a very seductive manner, but Asch cannot be seduced. Because he's dumb. "But they didn't have any, so we had to go for the next best thing… you understand."

"The next best thing would have been a GOMAMON themed party," Asch muttered, but he decided to let it go. "Fine. Throw all that DRECK in the corner. Then hurry up and send out twenty-five letters and the six flags passes to the people on this list."

"What do you want the cards to say?" Urushi asked.

"I DON'T KNOW! WHATEVER! GO AWAY!" Asch yelled because he'd talked to one too many people that day. The Dark Wings all shrugged and walked out. Then they did all of Asch's bidding like good flunkies.

"But, uh… what are we supposed to put on these cards?" York asked while the little rat on his head held up a big card with Mantine on it.

"Something Asch-ish?" Urushi ventured.

"No, that's no fun," said Noir. "Let's put something he would NEVER say."

"Alright!" said Urushi and York because they are easily swayed.

So, the Dark Wings put their minds together, and this is what they ended up putting on Asch's Mantine cards.

To: So and so

From: Asch

Hey! I can't wait to see you at my neatoriffic birthday party! I'm sorry for yelling at you before. From now on, I want us to be friends. Don't worry about bringing me a present – your friendship is the best present I could ever receive! LOVE, ASCH!

"That'll teach Mr. Gwumpy to take a chill pill every once and awhile!" Noir laughed and they sent out all the letters, just like that!

Um, actually, Noir, I think it'll just teach Mr. Gwumpy to kill the three of you, but… whatever. My opinion's not that important.

HOOONK!

"Ugh, today was so TIRING," said Asch as if he really needed to TELL the room so. "I'm going to SLEEP!"

_Heh, _thought Asch while he set his alarm clock, _I can't wait to see the look on that dreck's face after I steal away his birthday thunder! _Then he felt kind of bad for thinking such evil thoughts, so he compensated by thinking, _Well, I guess that stupid dreck will like his drecky DVDs. Now that I really CARE._

Of course you don't Asch. Of course you don't.

OMAKE!

SO! Some people think it's alright NOT to inquire as to Luke Fon Fabre's well-being! I NEVER! What kind of Tales of the Abyss fans are you? I have the real Luke RIGHT here and you can't even be bothered to –

Luke: I'M not the real Luke. I'm a replica. Geez, I'm HOPELESS.

…

Luke:I'm sorry, Hayley. All I ever do is whine that I'm not the real Luke. I'm not. I'm a replica. Man… I'm HOPELESS!

Oh God… please… give me the patience…

Luke: Now I just keep saying the same things over and over again… I'm…

(whips out rocket launcher) URU-SEI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(blows Luke into a crater)

Oops. Heh-heh… REVITALIZE!

(brings Luke back to life)

Luke: Man… I died. I'm hopeless.

(sobs) Fine, fine… I can't take it anymore. Next time, we'll have Tear-san… please, direct all inquiries towards her in your responses.

Luke: Tear! Oh man, if there's anyone who reminds me of how HOPELESS I am, it's HER!

(vein pops)

Ja…!


End file.
